Most of us take on the role of victim at least once in a while, or maybe there’s someone in our lives who wears the mantle of victimhood on a regular basis. “The Power of TED”
TED is an acronym for “The Empowerment Dynamic” which presents a way out of the Drama Triangle of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. The Drama Triangle is the framework within which most people interact with one another, and it is highly dysfunctional.
TED is a powerful method for getting out of a victim mentality–in which you feel helpless and taken advantage of–and becoming a Creator who asks “What do I want to happen?” and then takes baby steps to start moving in that direction.
If you’re ready to leave victimhood behind and become a powerful Creator, or if you’re looking for a useful tool to help a loved one who’s always playing the Victim, continue reading below.
The Drama Triangle: Victim – Persecutor – Rescuer
The Drama Triangle is a model of human interaction first described by Stephen Karpman, MD. It describes three psychological roles (or ego states) which people often take in response to a situation: Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.
A lot of our culture is made up of this Drama Triangle. For example, you can recognize the Drama Triangle in stories which involve a damsel in distress, a villain, and a hero.
The three roles are very interdependent on one another. In addition, people shift in and out of playing each of these three roles. Within the same situation the roles that people play can shift; for example, when a couple is fighting and they each blame the other for whatever it is that they’re fighting about, they’re both trying to take on the role of the Victim and place the other in the role of the Persecutor.
Also, a person can be a Victim under certain circumstances but assume one of the other two roles in other circumstances. Needless to say, the Drama Triangle is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Basic Overview of TED
TED provides an escape from the toxic relationship dynamic of Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer that is present in the Drama Triangle.
The basic shift is in moving from a Victim Orientation to a Creator Orientation in which you own your capacity for creating outcomes in your life and choosing your response to life experiences.
Once you become a Creator you begin to see Persecutors as Challengers; that is, people who have come into your life to help you learn and to spark growth and development. Rather than look for a Rescuer, which is what a Victim does, the Creator will often look for help and guidance from a Coach.
More on the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer
As stated above, the three roles of the Drama Triangle are the Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer:
The Victim
“Frozen in fear, you avoid responsibility because you think your experience is beyond your control. This stance keeps you from making decisions, solving problems, or going after what you want in life.”
– From “The Power of TED”
David makes a distinction in “The Power of TED” between victimization and victimhood. Victimization is a fact of life; we all experience it. Maybe someone cuts ahead of you in traffic all of a sudden, forcing you to brake abruptly or risk being in an accident. In that moment you’ve been victimized. In addition, there are people on Earth who live under severe victimization.
Victimhood, however, is a way of being; it’s a self-identity which is challenged by TED. When someone sees themselves as a victim, they’re giving in to a sense of powerlessness and hopelessness. Behind every Victim there’s usually a dream or desire in that person’s life that has been thwarted, and that they’ve given up on.
The Persecutor
The Persecutor does not necessarily have to be a person. It can be a condition (such as an illness) or a situation (for example, a natural disaster). It’s anything that creates a sense of paralysis, hopelessness, and helplessness in the Victim.
When the Persecutor is a person, it’s someone who seeks to dominate, blame, and tear others down. What most Persecutors fear is their own victimization; they therefore adopt a strategy of “it’s better to dominate than to be dominated”. The Persecutor tries to maintain a one-up position so that they’re in the dominant role in the drama.
The Rescuer
Just as with the Persecutor, the Rescuer doesn’t have to be a person. It can be anyone or anything that helps the Victim escape their feelings, including substance abuse and compulsive behavior such as gambling, workaholism, and so on.
When the Rescuer is a person, they do want to help, but they unintentionally reenforce the powerlessness of the Victim because of the approach that they use. Their attitude toward the Victim is usually along the following lines:
- “Oh, poor you.”
- “I’ll take care of this.”
- “Don’t worry, I’ll fix this.”
This approach doesn’t help the Victim become empowered and more resourceful. Rescuers often fear not being needed; they need Victims around them in order to have a sense of meaning and purpose.
More on the Creator, the Challenger, and the Coach
Each of the roles in the Drama Triangle has a TED antidote. For the Victim it’s the Creator, for the Persecutor it’s the Challenger, and for the Rescuer it’s the Coach.
The Creator
The central role in TED is the Creator, which represents an antidote to the Victim role in the Drama Triangle. As you make the shift from being a Victim to being a Creator you begin to develop the capacity to envision outcomes and take baby steps toward manifesting these outcomes.
In addition, a Creator knows that he/she always has a choice, regardless of circumstances. You can always choose how you’re going to respond.
An example used by David of someone who was a Creator is Victor Frankl. He was a young psychiatrist who spent years in three different Nazi concentration camps under the most disempowering, difficult, and challenging of life experiences. And yet while he was there he realized that he had a choice as to how he would respond to his circumstances.
Here’s a famous quote from Frankl that illustrates the power of the Creator: “Everything can be taken from a man but …the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
The Challenger
The Challenger is the antidote to the Persecutor, and it can be a person, circumstance, or condition. The purpose of the Challenger is to spark growth or development.
When the Challenger is a person they can take on one of two forms: the unconscious, deconstructive Challenger or the conscious, constructive Challenger.
The unconscious, deconstructive Challenger is someone who does not have the intent to help you grow, but rather to get something for themselves, even if it’s at your expense.
You therefore need to deconstruct what is happening and try to find the lesson that is hidden in the experience. That is, you have to change your perspective from “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why is this person doing this to me?” to looking for ways in which you can grow and expand as a result of this challenge.
The conscious, constructive Challenger is someone who’s a Creator and looks at you as a Creator, and they’re challenging you with the intent to help you grow.
We all need a little push once in a while to learn a new skill, acquire some knowledge or insight, make a decision we’ve been avoiding, or take action to move toward achieving one of our dreams. The Challenger–whether conscious or unconscious–can help us do that.
The Coach
The Coach is the antidote to the Rescuer. The Rescuer reeenforces the powerlessness of the Victim; they want to feel that the Victim needs them. The Coach, on the other hand, sees you not as a Victim, but as a Creator who is capable and resourceful.
A Coach assists and facilitates, and they can help you in assessing the situation and recognizing recurring patterns. In addition, they can help you analyze how you’ve been responding to the situation in an ineffective manner, and decide what steps you can take to move forward. However, they never take power away from you. Instead, they empower you to make your own healthy choices.
What if You Find Yourself in the Middle of a Drama Triangle?
David explains in “The Power of TED”
- The first step is to realize that the situation you’re in is a Drama Triangle and that you want to break the cycle. Call a “time out!”
- The next step – if possible–is to take a break in the interaction, whether it’s ten minutes or two days. You need to stop your participation in the drama and shift toward TED.
- When you’re ready, reengage with others, but this time from the role of Creator, Challenger or Coach.
- If you’ve been playing the Victim (fearful, defensive, submissive) you must become a Creator (focused on a vision, working toward a goal). You can do this by asking “What do I want?” and by moving from reacting to choosing.
- If you’ve been playing the Persecutor (exerting power over others) you must become a Challenger (gently pushing others to acquire new knowledge or skills and strive to be their best). You can do this by asking “What is my intention?” and by shifting your focus from putting others down to building them up.
- If you’ve been playing the Rescuer (overly protective, self-esteem bolstering) you must become a Coach (supporting, assisting, facilitating). You can do this by asking “How am I seeing the other?” and by shifting from telling to asking.
Do you recognize yourself in any of the three roles of the Drama Triangle? Are you ready to make a shift toward becoming a Creator?
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