(”My Buddy”; courtesy of Back in the Pack)
1. Follow Dale Carnegie’s advice: “Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” Pay attention when someone tells you their name, remember it, and use it often when talking to them.
2. Take a genuine interest in other people. Find out what’s important to them, what their aspirations are, and what makes them tick.
3. Be generous. Think of ways in which you can help others.
4. Follow up. When you meet someone don’t just get their business card or e-mail address and then forget about it. Find a way to stay in touch.
5. Look others in the eye when you speak to them.
6. Provide value.
7. Be authentic. Let others see the real you.
8. Make others feel important and appreciated.
9. Offer sincere compliments.
10. Follow Stephen Covey’s advice: seek first to understand, and then to be understood.
11. Mirror them. You can do it consciously to help build rapport by copying a number of aspects such as their basic posture, the position of their arms and legs, and the placement of their hands. Are they sitting forward, legs crossed? You can also mirror their breathing rates, the rhythm of their movements, and their energy level. Subtly match two or three things to enter into their world.
12. Smile. A warm, inviting smile will help put others at ease.
13. Display open body language by leaning toward the other person, sitting or standing with an upright posture instead of hunching over, and uncrossing your arms.
14. If someone has done something for you send them a hand written thank you note.
15. Make others laugh. Laughing with others is a bonding experience.
16. First give and then think about getting.
17. Keep the promises and the commitments you’ve made to others.
18. Be punctual. Being habitually late is disrespectful of the time of others.
19. Try to find common experiences or interests. People have a tendency to like others who are like them.
20. When you’re talking to someone give them your undivided attention.
21. Listen actively to what the other person is saying. That is, concentrate on them instead of mentally rehearsing in your head what you’re going to say next.
22. Paraphrase what the other person is saying to make sure that you’ve understood. Say something like the following: “I’m going to repeat in my own words what I think I heard you say to make sure that I’ve understood. Please correct me if you feel that I’ve misunderstood you.”
23. Make a first good impression. When you first meet someone it takes them about three seconds to form an impression about you, and first impressions are hard to reverse. They make this evaluation based on your appearance, your body language, your demeanor, your mannerisms, your personal grooming, and how you’re dressed.
24. Project a positive attitude.
25. Don’t whine or complain.
26. Share your interests. Let others get to know you.
27. Pace their volume. Someone who speaks softly will appreciate someone else who speaks softly. Likewise, someone who speaks loudly will often get along better with others who speak in a louder tone.
28. Pace their speech rate. Some people speak quickly and use short pauses between ideas, while others speak slowly and use longer pauses. Try to use the same speech rate they’re using.
29. Acknowledge other people’s field of expertise and ask for their opinion and advice in that area.
30. Albert Mehrabian established that 55% of communication is in the body language, 38% in the quality of the voice, and 7% in the actual words spoken. Make sure that you use all three of these channels in a way that will best get your message across to others.
Please share your tips for getting along with others below.
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Robin 09.10.08 at 2:03 am
Hi Marelisa - as I read this I was finding myself starting to think ah-hah! That’s the trouble with such-and-such, they don’t do this (or that). This was rather like whining to myself, so I stopped.
Then I was thinking that the bottom line (maybe one of a few) is to have empathy with the person you are communicating with - it’s something to do with sharing yourself in a way that allows the other person to share with you.
Robins last blog post..Feelings Are There To Be Felt
Lance 09.10.08 at 5:45 am
What’s so nice about this list, Marelisa, is that I think everyone can pick something up and improve their skills of getting along with others.
I’m going to take number 10 - seek first to understand, then to be understood. We live in a “me” world - and tend to think of ourselves first. This says to me - focus on what the other person is saying, and not just hear the words, but really understand, from their perspective, what that means.
Lances last blog post..What We Learn From Winning
Stacey Shipman 09.10.08 at 8:08 am
Great list. A lot of which I already practice. I do a lot of in person networking and a lot of these tips come in very handy when in those situations. #18 rings true for me - the one who is always late. This has happened to me quite often and it is bothersome when a networking meeting starts with “I’m sorry I’m late…” But then is that me complaining? It depends on the reason for lateness.
And to Lance’s point - conversations and getting along with people is about connection, not just about “me”.
Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map 09.10.08 at 8:17 am
I like tip #20 and 21. It is about committing fully to the moment. If someone is talking to us, it is nice to give them the attention. When we talk to others, we also like to have the same treatment too.
Writer Dad 09.10.08 at 9:38 am
I like the idea of matching their speech rate. I always talk at the same rambling speed. I should slow down when others do.
Mare 09.10.08 at 10:48 am
@Robin: I agree that empathy is a key factor for getting along well with others. It’s like having the ability to feel what they’re feeling.
@Lance: I think you’ve pinpointed the difference between hearing and listening. Being able to repeat verbatim what someone else just said to you doesn’t mean you’ve understood what they said. I think that’s why the skill of paraphrasing is so important.
@Stacey: Exactly, it’s about connecting with others instead of each person just staying in their own little world without trying to understand the world of the other.
@Evelyn: Whenever you hear of someone who others love to be around you also hear the phrase: “They make you feel as if talking to you is the most important thing they could be doing at that moment”.
@Writer Dad: I’ve actually read that different speech rates is a major source of miscommunication. The one who speaks fast can’t understand why the other one doesn’t add anything to the conversation and the one who speaks slowly doesn’t understand why the other one won’t let them get a word into the conversation.
Sal 09.10.08 at 11:09 am
That was fantastic. My favorite is mirroring posture. I am a people watcher by nature, so I enjoy getting them to change what they do by acting a certain way.
Cath Lawson 09.10.08 at 11:17 am
Hi Mare - Great tips. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but once you’ve practised conscious mirroring for a while you begin to do it subconsciously. I’m not sure why that happens though.
...loveMaegan 09.10.08 at 11:35 am
great tips, but I kind of disagree with #1. I cannot stand when someone uses my name over and over and over …I feel as if they are trying too hard. On the other hand, because of this, I tend to not use others’ names as much as I should.
…loveMaegans last blog post..Don’t Underestimate The Force
Bamboo Forest 09.10.08 at 11:48 am
I love the hand written note thanking someone, suggestion. That’s really touching to people I think.
That’s a great quote from Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Wing Friends and Influence People.”
Good tips.
Jim Gaudet 09.10.08 at 2:14 pm
Great list, honestly. I think that this statement;
“When you’re talking to someone give them your undivided attention.”
In simpler terms, I think you just need to listen. I heard once (believe it or not is was on espn radio) that if you go to a party and want to be the person everyone remembers, be quiet. Listen to everyone and by the end of the night everyone will think you were the best person in the room. I have tried this and it works. I noticed it also helps me to be more patient.
~ Jim
Mare 09.10.08 at 2:28 pm
@Sal: Hi Sal, thank you. After mirroring someone for awhile you can start to “lead” if you’re trying to persuade them.
@Cath: I think we start to become more aware of other people, even if some of it is unconscious. Also, I think that if you’re talking to someone whose company you enjoy you mirror them without even realizing that you’re doing it.
@loveMeagan: I know what you mean about overusing someone’s name. There’s people who start to sound like a used car salesman because they say your name so much it just stops sounding sincere. You have to strike a balance between letting the other person know that you remember their name and just overdoing it.
@Bamboo: I had that book and I gave it away. Now I’m thinking that I have to buy it again because it’s such a classic. And I collect beautiful note cards so that I can send people hand written notes on a moment’s notice
Mare 09.10.08 at 2:56 pm
Hi Jim: I think there’s a lot of people who feel that they haven’t been really “listened to” in a long time. So I think that espn radio is right
Dot 09.10.08 at 3:28 pm
I like this list, and there are plenty I could do better with. I agree with …loveMaegan on overuse of the name. As we said when I was a kid, “That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” I also want to qualify this to say that I don’t want to do this for everyone I meet, only the ones I like. The ones I dislike, perhaps I should do the opposite of these, so they won’t want to get to know me?
I find mirroring people’s stance and gestures in order to change their feelings to be a bit too manipulative for my taste. And slow-talking people drive me crazy. It’s bad enough waiting a century for them to get to the point, do I have to wait another century to complete my reply?
Vered - MomGrind 09.10.08 at 6:03 pm
“First give and then think about getting”.
A BIG amen to that. I am trying to. It’s not always easy, because people ARE self-centered. But it’s certainly my goal.
Vered - MomGrinds last blog post..Almost-Wordless Wednesday: Correct Your Nose Without Operation!
Mare 09.10.08 at 8:33 pm
@Dot: Everything on the list has to be done with sincerity, if you don’t feel comfortable doing any of these things then of course you shouldn’t.
@Vered: The law of reciprocity states that if you do something for someone that person will be more inclined to do something for you. So there’s also a pragmatic reason to apply this principle
@Rita: Thank you Rita. Truthfully, I do lots of research (internet and I own A LOT of books).
jaky 09.10.08 at 11:20 pm
the post is really great. i have read the books on getting along with others and i think this is the best summary ever.
I started blogging recently, do visit me at http://evergreenhelpline.blogspot.com
jakys last blog post..52 ways to live success (post 4)
Barbara Swafford 09.11.08 at 1:42 am
Hi Marelisa,
What a darling photo.
As I was reading this, it reminded me of how a lot of these tips also apply to blogging - when we answer comments.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..You Have The Whole World In Your Hands
Kelly@SHE-POWER 09.11.08 at 3:05 am
You’ve compiled a thorough list here Marelisa, I’m not sure I have anything to add. Personally, I think showing a genuine interest in others, while seeking to understand them is a great way not only to be a good friend, but a good citizen and an asset to this world. There is too much judgment and self absorption these days - maybe there always was - so I think if you can get these down pat then you not only have a lot to offer others, but you will receive understanding and interest in kind.
My hubby used to be a Scientologist and they stressed eye contact and ARC as the cornerstone of relationships, meaning
Affinity
Reality
Communication
If one of these are out then the relationship will suffer. Even though I never got into the religion myself (and was secretly glad when MusicMan decided it wasn’t for him), I always thought this made sense.
Kelly
Natural 09.11.08 at 9:56 am
Please share your tips for getting along with others below. I like no. 11 a lot, I think that also makes for great listening skills when your body, tone and expressions reflect those speaking to you. How do I get along with others? I try to keep the mind of a servant, how can I help mentality? I may have preconceived ideas about a person, but I try to get to know them first before I make any calls on their character. I’m friendly. My tolerance level though is getting short for people who don’t respect me back, they expect, but they don’t give.
Chris 09.11.08 at 1:20 pm
I like number 10. Unfortunately though in today’s world, people often want to be understood first before giving their understanding. I guess nothing will really get accomplished if we keep thinking selfishly.
Mare 09.11.08 at 2:57 pm
@Jaky: Hi Jaky, thank you, I stopped by your blog and left you a comment.
@Barbara: Isn’t that the cutest photograph! As soon as I saw it I thought, I have to put this on my blog
I agree that these are also good guidelines for responding to comments on our blogs.
@Kelly: I think you’re right that following these points should make you a better citizen of the world. I’ve never met anyone who followed Scientology (at least not to my knowledge) but I know it’s gotten a lot of bad publicity on TV (mostly because of Tom Cruise). I’ve see the books “Dianetics” in bookstores in the US and I’ve thought about buying it a couple of times out of curiosity. I think that the next time I see it I will buy it, it’s always good to learn new things. And the three cornerstones you mention that they stress are important.
@Natural: I know you’re friendly Natural, it completely comes across in the way that you write. It’s good that you try to withhold judgment on others and that you have a “how can I help mentality”. I try to ask myself “How can I be of service?” as well.
@Chris: The result of two people trying to get the other to understand them is that at end of the day neither will have understood the other. I think that’s one of the reasons that there are so many lonely people out there. So I guess this point is tied to the point: give first, then thinking of getting.
Patricia 09.11.08 at 7:10 pm
Such great rules captioned by the most wonderful picture I have seen in a long time.
I needed reminders today, as I felt guilty not talking to all the people I met on my lake walk this morning. I just wanted to enjoy the glorious September sunrise and be selfish.
I so want people to hear what I have to say, I needed to listen and to hear what you had to day. Your timing was just perfect for me. Thank you
Patricias last blog post..When Love and Trust are Shattered – Pray?
Stacey / Create a Balance 09.11.08 at 10:15 pm
Hi Marelisa, Number one is one of my favorites. I love when people use my name…how can you not smile when people repeat your name over and over again. Marelisa. Marelisa. Marelisa. Using a person’s name when I’m talking to them does not come naturally to be, but Marelisa, I am working on doing this more and more. Thanks Marelisa!
Stacey / Create a Balances last blog post..9/11 Morning Pages
Mare 09.11.08 at 10:47 pm
@Patricia: Don’t they look like they’re coming back from the best night out on the town? You know Patricia, sometimes we also need to allow ourselves to enjoy uninterrupted moments, like glorious September days walking by the lake
@Stacey: You’re right, you just have to smile when you hear your name repeated often
Hunter Nuttall 09.12.08 at 10:40 am
If you need any post ideas Marelisa, I’d be very interested in learning about body language. I know it’s important, but I’m not sure how to use it.
Hunter Nuttalls last blog post..Personal Development For Smart People: Free Sample Chapter